OVERVIEW OF RELATIONSHIP
SESSIONS
Loving
Yourself
The Three Selves Of Dating
Essential
Qualities Of Healthy Relationships
How To Communicate In A Healthy, Constructive Manner
Warning Signs Of Relationship Breakdown
The Phases Of Committed Relationships
LOVING YOURSELF
Before you
can create healthy relationships with others, you need to come to terms with
the parts of yourself that you feel uncomfortable with. There may be parts that you have disowned or
denied because you can’t stand the uneasy feelings
they generate. These parts may have to
do with a traumatic time in your past; how you view some aspect of your life
such as your body or career; or some dysfunctional pattern of thinking or
acting. Anything you disown creates an imbalance. Because
the nature of life is to seek balance and integration, those parts will act out
in increasingly extreme ways to get you to pay attention to your needs. Moreover, if you can’t
love yourself, you’ll look for someone else to love you, hoping that if she/he
gives you enough love your unlovable parts will just go away. Unfortunately, you will tend to attract
others who don’t love and accept themselves either,
thus setting yourself up for even more hurt and disappointment. So, first up are some guidelines for learning
to love yourself more fully and unconditionally.
Dismantle
Your Inner Critic: We become what we think. A harsh Inner Critic can sabotage your
success more easily than any external, real-world obstacle. The inner critic will tell you that you don’t deserve/can’t attract a healthier relationship. Dismantling your Inner
Critic is wonderfully liberating.
Having a written or verbal dialogue with your Inner Critic can result in
a major power shift in your inner world.
Tell your Critic off again and again, and see
what happens, the inner bully isn’t used to being confronted and will often
meekly retreat when challenged.
Befriend
and Nurture All Parts of Yourself: If there are parts of yourself from your past or present that you feel
shame, embarrassment, guilt or inadequacy about, treat those parts as you would
a sad or frightened child: with love, nurturing and warmth. These parts really need the healing power of
love. Visualize yourself actually being
with and nurturing a part of yourself or your past.
Confront
Your Own Denial: Look at
yourself honestly. Step back from the
drama of your life, and look at your relationships totally
objectively. What do you see? What are the themes? What are the successes? What are the recurring unhealthy
patterns? Do you tend to deny certain
issues or blame them on your friends?
Take responsibility and become as healthy as you can be:
you can only attract a healthy partner if you are healthy! Whenever denial is present, you are living
with a false sense of who you really are, which
contributes to not loving your true self.
Access
Healthy Inner Resources: Take advantage of the healthy resources
available in your inner world. This can
be anything from trying to act like the healthy people you know (i.e. ask
yourself, "What would my healthy friend do in this situation?") to
accessing inner spiritual guidance.
Discover which techniques seem most helpful for you in opening up to
peace, serenity, and inner knowing (prayer, meditation, exercise, yoga, debate,
etc). Practice these techniques on a
daily basis, and continue to learn new ways to connect with your inner
guidance. Honour the full range of gifts
that you were born with so you can love the person that you are.
Take time
to forge an honest, open relationship with all parts of yourself, even if you’ve spent your life running away from some of them. Befriend those parts. Accept without denial or distortion who you are, and acknowledge the gifts that you bring to
this life. Actualise your capacities for
self-love and inner guidance. Remember
that no one else can love a part of you that you disown, and no one else can
make up for or give you what you cannot give yourself. Be gentle, kind and forgiving of yourself, yet also challenge yourself to do more, be more, and honour
the highest purpose of your existence.
Only then can your heart’s true desire for love,
companionship, and deep connection be truly fulfilled.
THE THREE SELVES OF DATING
You may
feel perplexed as your new partner reveals different and contradictory parts of
him/herself. One day you may be
delighted by your partner’s charm and thoughtfulness yet the next day be devastated by their stubbornness, rigidity and
inappropriate expressions of feelings.
How and why does this happen, and what can you do to keep yourself
emotionally safe as you go through the stages of a developing
relationship? We all possess many
different sub-personalities, which are needed in order
to survive and thrive. Among the most
common of these are the three discussed below. Knowledge of these sub-personalities may help
you to understand why your new partner’s behaviour often seems
contradictory.
The Rational, Practical Persona. Presents ‘appropriate’ mask to the world,
concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. Thinks logically and
analytically about life and relationships. Intelligent, thoughtful,
linear, methodical, functional, practical, goal-directed. Never acts impulsively or irrationally.
The Alive, Loving Self. Present and spontaneous,
genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. Willing and able to take
risks, playful, fun- loving and bursting with energy and feelings. Never
concerned about making
‘sense’ or being practical. Very expansive, imaginative and visionary.
The Wounded, Fearful Self. The part of you that has
experienced emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. The storeroom of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and
shame. Limited capacity for
growth and change without outside help because it has developed a variety of
strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself
safe to avoid further wounding.
Functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ and strives to keep your
emotional life stable, similar, and familiar.
Re-creates/maintains whatever emotional experiences you may have had in
the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant
or hurtful.
So how do
these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship
develops? Initially, the Alive, Loving
Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play
and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this
phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded,
Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s
playtime. As more closeness develops,
the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the
Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is
partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical
Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every
day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about
"the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when
you want to do things to bring the relationship closer. In most cases, you fall in love with
someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical
Persona. Thus a
crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s
Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life? When dating, it’s
wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your
partner. Honour the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your
partner. Don't
commit until you really feel you have a sense of each of these parts in your
dating partner. These steps will help
avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully
present in your relationships with others.
ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
1 Commitment. A relationship is reciprocal and you must be present and committed when it is easy and meets your needs, as well as when it is difficult and you feel like you are doing all the giving. To make such a commitment, you must be capable of selfless service beyond your own needs and the relationship must have a deeper vision or meaning that transcends the unpleasant times.
2 Conscious attention. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. Whenever you pay attention to something, you are choosing to keep it in your life. Whenever you choose to ignore something, you are letting go of it. Where you choose to put your attention and how long you do so is one of the most important decisions you have to make in your life. Our present world has many distractions, such as television, which make conscious attention to our relationships all but impossible. Yet, couples and families frequently eat their meals in front of the TV, passively and inattentively. One aspect of conscious attention is the ability to listen without judgment. A foundational skill to all healthy relationships is the ability to really be present to understand what is going on for your partner: listening with your ears, feeling with your heart, seeing with your eyes and sensing with your intuition. What does your partner really need? What do you need right now to feel in harmony?
3 Respect. You can consciously attend to your partner, but if you do so with an attitude of manipulation and control, the outcome will be a one-sided unhealthy relationship. An attitude of respect, on the other hand, will assure that both yours and your partner’s needs are attended to.
4 Gratitude. When you commit to a relationship, give it conscious attention, and feel respect for your partner, you will experience gratitude for his/her presence in your life. You should honour his/her presence and communicate your gratitude on a regular basis, in whatever form feels right.
5 Trust. You must be able to trust the relationship when things appear to be going nowhere. You must have faith that there is something going on that you cannot comprehend or see. Become quiet and mindful and listen to yourself, so that you can become aware of, and trust the impulses from the small, still voice within when it urges you to examine your choices and perhaps go in a new direction.
6 Bonding. In a relationship, there must be a mechanism
for an ongoing connection, for a reciprocal exchange of energy, and this is
bonding. Bonding is a basic human need.
We are most bonded with other people when we
are touching and maintaining eye contact.
Yet, we rarely communicate with others in this manner. Examine what rituals you have developed for
bonding, and explore how you can expand on these.
Examine your relationships and see how many of the above qualities are
a regular part of those relationships.
For example, are you committed to yourself, to bringing out the full
range of your gifts to the world? To your own happiness and fulfilment? Are you able to commit to an intimate
partner? Or do
you have a commitment to a spiritual path? Reflect on how much conscious
attention you give to yourself and others.
See if you are relating to them with respect and gratitude. Notice if you have a basic sense of trust
with your self and others. Be aware of how much genuine bonding you do
with the important people in your life and with yourself. Consciously reflecting on these questions can
open the door to richer, deeper, healthier and more alive relationships on all
levels of your life.
Constructive communication styles can help couples to
communicate better. If you are unable to communicate constructively, a
psychologist can help you (and your partner) understand what is causing a
problem in your relationship (Couples therapy, family therapy).
DESTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES:
÷ Arguing
and Withdrawing
÷ Blaming
and Accusing
÷ Not
Listening
÷ Changing
the Subject
If you use destructive communication styles, you will
not be able to resolve conflicts in your relationship and the relationship will be destroyed by resentment, distance, and
unhappiness. Fortunately, you can lean
to substitute destructive communication styles with more constructive ones.
CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES:
√ In
constructive communication, only one person speaks at a time, and the other
person's job is purely to listen. Only when the first person is completely done talking does the other one begin
expressing what they have to say.
√ Instead of arguing or withdrawing, learn to SET THE STAGE FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION. Communication must occur at the
right time and place. If either of you are upset or
distracted, you will most likely end up using a destructive communication
style. To set the stage for more fruitful and constructive
communication, do the following:
- Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a
while
- Set a specific time and place to talk again
- Don't interrupt your partner; let him/her express
- Acknowledge your partner's concerns
√ Instead of Blaming and Accusing, learn to USE
"I" MESSAGES. When people
blame and accuse each other, they start many sentences to each other with words
such as "you always..." or "you never..." Your partner is immediately
put on the defensive when s/he hears a sentence beginning with the word
"you". A better method is to take responsibility for what you
are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences
with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
- Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
- If you discuss your partner's behaviour, again do so in
terms of your feelings
- Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in
the behaviour
- Tell your partner the consequences of their behaviour to
you
As
an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't
call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say,
"You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or
"You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same
statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you
told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually
takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you
again."
√ Instead of not
listening, learn to USE ACTIVE LISTENING, in which the listener's job is
purely to listen, without interruption, without adding anything to what the
speaker has said. The key elements of Active Listening are to:
-Listen
to understand: even if you don't agree with what
you're partner is saying, pay attention and listen to it.
-Summarize:
after you've listened, paraphrase and repeat what you
heard: "So what I heard you say was..."
-Verify: after summarizing,
ask your partner "Did I hear you correctly?" Let him/her give
you feedback. Maybe you missed an important element of what they
said. This is not about being right or
wrong; it's about being heard and understood
correctly.
-Be
open and receptive for more input: when you have verified that you heard
your partner correctly, ask him/her "Is there anything else you want to
say?" Let him/her know that s/he have the floor until s/he has said
everything s/he needs to say.
√ Instead of
changing the subject, learn to
By using this structured communication format, people
are forced to listen without interruption, and to take responsibility for what
they are experiencing. While getting skilful at this format takes some
practice, it is more than worth the effort when you and your partner see that
you have the power to transform repetitive hostile arguments into healing,
solutions-focused discussions.
The early warning signs of relationship deterioration
can help predict which relationships are likely to end within a few years. This information is crucial in accepting when
your relationship is in serious need of more attention or help. There are
specific warning signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
Escalation
of negativity
- increase in complaining and
criticism
Criticism - Attacking and blaming partner's personality
and/or character, (e.g. "you are a selfish uncaring person")
Negative
interpretation - interpreting
partner’s intentions as hostile/negative when they are meant
to be neutral or positive
Invalidation - not attempting to understand partner’s point
of view
Contempt - insulting and/or psychologically abusing partner (e.g. "you are a total idiot ")
Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything
partner has to say, due to fear of being hurt or attacked (emot/phys)
Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding, distancing and withdrawing from
partner
If you notice two or more of these signs, your
relationship may need some extra attention.
A bit of prevention can save a lot of emotional, financial, and physical
pain.
Conflict in a relationship is often
seen as negative, as if couples should not have disagreements. But conflict is
inevitable in intimate relationships and present excellent opportunities for
personal and relationship growth. Therefore, conflict should
be embraced as a signal that something needs to change or grow in either
or both partners. However, some areas of
conflict (causing repetitive arguments) are very difficult to resolve.
The following method is often useful in resolving such issues. If the method
doesn’t help to successfully resolve a conflict, it
probably means that the issue requires professional help from a qualified
psychologist.
TO RESOLVE AN ONGOING CONFLICT:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as
possible. You cannot solve a vaguely defined conflict.
-
Poorly defined conflicts: "You're a slob", "The
house is a mess”, "You always run up the credit cards"
-
Well-defined conflicts: "I feel we're not working as a
team on the house cleaning”
”I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for
retirement"
2. Use the Constructive Communication Exercise
(page 4) to take turns to state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take
as long as you need to state your position and ensure that your partner has
really heard you
-Doing
this exercise can sometimes resolve a conflict, though not always
-Do
not go on to the next step until both of you feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions,
preferably more.
-Be
creative!
-Don't
worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write
down all the solutions
4. Go through the list of solutions together
and pick one that you both agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You
may both have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that the solution is just an experiment for a limited period of time and that it mustl be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically
as possible. Write it down if you
like.
-
Poorly defined solution statement: "We'll put on music and clean the house
when it gets dirty"
- Well-defined solution statement: "Every
Thursday night at
bathroom; you will
dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll
take turns choosing music every other week to
help make it more
fun."
6. Agree on a specific date/time for a review (usually
within 2-4 weeks) for assessing how the experimental solution is going.
-Make
sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use
the Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's
going for each of you
-Decide
if you both want to continue implementing the Solution
-If
you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it, or
start over at the beginning of this exercise.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
(the ‘
§
Wonderful,
easy, effortless, spontaneous, alive -
little or no effort required
§
Maximizing
similarities / minimizing differences: “we are one; we are the same”. “You are perfect”
§
Expectation
that partner will provide for all / most of one’s wants, needs, desires
§
High
degree of passion / feelings / expressions of romance, lots of eye contact/affection,
infatuation
§
Belief
that feelings / experiences will go on forever (“we will never disagree on
anything”)
§
Belief
that fate / greater forces brought partners together (“this is meant to be”)
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY (the ‘who on earth is this person?’
phase) Start of the real
relationship
§
Reality
bursts the bubble slowly or suddenly:
Some trigger causes a minor or major conflict
-Common triggers: Living
together/sharing household chores/experiencing personal habits up close
Discovering a partner’s act of deception/infidelity
Planning a wedding / buying a house / sharing finances / etc
§
Impossible
to maintain fantasy that relationship is immune from struggle/effort/reality
§
Conflict,
anxiety, disappointment, hurt, loss of closeness when reality doesn’t match
one’s hopes and dreams
§
Grief/anger
over loss of innocent/wonderful relationship versus desire to be close again =
confusion, fear of intimacy
§
Deal with
personal differences: integration of
dependence, independence, interdependence
§
2 Outcomes: Relinquish cherished romantic
fantasies, or cling desperately to fantasies in a state of denial
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
(the ‘Is it worth it?’ phase) Disillusionment
increases
§
Minor
issues turn into large arguments
§
Partners
fiercely defend their positions on issues:
Afraid to give in, wanting the other to change
§
Consistent
feelings of ambivalence and anger: Resentment, sarcasm, blaming, accusing and
hostility
§
Partner
appears self-centred / untrustworthy: Occasional or frequent thoughts of
leaving the relationship
§
Relationship
rebuilding tasks: -Learn Problem-solving/Conflict
resolution/Negotiating/Communication skills (see p.4)
-Learn to provide self-support and support for partner's growth
-Gain insight into origins of dysfunctional patterns of conflict /
conflict resolution
4. RE-EVALUATION
(the ‘what do you think about my choice of partner?’ phase) The cold war
§
Taking the
partner’s reality, fears, defenses, limitations and capacity to improve/change
into account: Do you still want to stay?
§
Turning
towards others to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other
§
Fears of
abandonment: “Can I make it by myself?”
“Am I okay the way I am?” “Will anyone else find me attractive or
appealing?
§
Partners
disengage and withdraw emotionally (and sometimes physically)
§
Affairs /
separation / divorce most likely to occur during this phase
§
Feelings
of resentment less intense, as emotions towards partner likely to be very flat
and empty
§
Sexual
relationship sporadic or non-existent
§
A partner
may confide in someone, who may gain increasing importance and emotional
involvement in partner’s life. Physical affection
may spark off
a passionate, intense affair.
Primary relationship may battle to recover as it has too little
gratification for either partner at this stage
§
Task: honour commitment but see yourselves as separate
people. Temporary separation can help
gain perspective
5. RECONCILIATION
(the ‘boundary-setting’ phase) The war is over
§
Re-awakening
of interest in getting closer and connecting
§
Knowing
the partner in reality instead of fantasy and deciding if there is a basis for
further interaction
§
Openly
accept and approach conflicts/differences with a new attitude:
-Conflicts are opportunities for learning about oneself and the other
person
- Conflicts are catalysts for growth and change
§
Recognize
that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can
really change the other
§
Begin the
process of creating an honest, genuinely intimate relationship, and the
relationship will again produce pleasure and satisfaction for both
§
Acquiring
a deeper sense of responsibility for your part in conflicts
§
Recognising
the link between your current relationship conflicts and what you learned as a child
in your family
§
Seeing
your partner as you see yourself: a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is
making a sincere effort to love and still take care of your own needs
§
Accepting
that a relationship cannot/will not save you from your past and your individual
needs/issues
§
Realising
that parts of your life that can be nurtured and shared in a loving, accepting
relationship and looking to the other for that connection
§
The
conflicts are accepted, and there is a sincere desire to learn how to work
through the issues to a satisfying resolution
6. ACCEPTANCE (the
‘love you because of your flaws’ phase) Building a future
§
Less than
5% of couples ever reach the phase of complete acceptance without denial or
fantasy.
§
Taking
responsibility for own needs, for own individual life, and for providing
support for partner
§
Conflicts
still arise, but the couple has figured out how to resolve conflicts relatively
quickly during phases 1-5
§
High level
of warmth, few resentments
§
Few
surprises: partners know one another and know what to expect
§
Maintaining
a balance between autonomy and union, working together as a team to stay
connected and also maintain own identities.