Behind each anger is a hurt, and behind each hurt is an
unmet longing or need. This exercise assists you in identifying your deepest
longings.
Column A: Summarize your list of your partner’s frustrating
behaviors and cluster those that are similar
Column B:
Summarize your feelings
Column C:
Summarize your reactive behaviors
Column D: Summarize your
fears.
Column E:
List what you think might be the deep desire underlying each frustration
sequence, as briefly as possible and state it as an
absolute (e.g. "Always be on time for everything” or “Always be available
when I need you."
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A. Frustrating
patterns |
B. Feelings |
C. Reactive
Patterns |
D. Fears |
E. Desires |
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When
you |
I Feel |
and
typically react by |
to
hide my fears
of |
What
I really want is |
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Circle up to three items in
each column that are the strongest or most intense for you. Complete
these sentences
a. To
overcome my fears (Column D) I need:
b. To get what I want (Column E), I need a
partner who ideally has only the following positive traits:
c. With such a person, I would feel (positive feelings):
.